Therapists

It has been a while since my last post hasn't it. Well I have a new therapist now. I met her for the first time last thursday. She seems nice and she promissed we would have closer if we ever had to give up sessions. I don't know where to start with her. I know sooner or later we will discuss my sexuality. I am uncomfortable discussing that. I am a man, and everyone thinks of me as a woman. She doesn't I introduced myself as Bob to her. My next meeting with her is on Monday. We will see how it goes. I also have a family therapist and she is an interesting woman. To me it feels like she is something out of the 60's. I want to talk to my new therapist about my dreams. I had a weird dream that me and my ex were getting married and she told me I dreamed up my new partner. It was not exactly a nightmare, but it wasn't a good dream either.

Shaved my Head

Today has been an interesting day. I have been highly concidering some sort of legal action against my last therapists supivisor. I never thought I would concider such a thing but I am having a hell of a time finding a new therapist for little money and the supivisor had suggested Kaiser and groups. My psyciatrist at Kaiser says I need a individual therapist which I cannot get at Kaiser. now I am basiclly up a creek with no paddle. There is also a big money issue, but lets not even go there right now.

Internet and Speech

The internet went down last night so I was unable to write anything on my blog. The speech teacher talked to me and she was very nice about me wanting to give my first speech on being a transsexual. I think she was a little worried about the demographics of the class but I am not really and hell it is my speech right. I really like her and trust her judgement though. In other news the Lyon Martin Clinic emailed me back and said they would have to charge me full price for hormones because I already have an HMO but they know of a person in S.F. who is at Kaiser and does hormone replacement therapy. I am kind of interested in that. I am going to look her up on the internet as soon as it is fixed.

Not much Luck

I have been trying to find a therapist with absolutely no luck. What is it with therapists that they have to make 150 to 200 dollars an hour anyways? I need a therapist and i can't find one for the ammount of money I have to spend and I feel like I should sue the last therapists supivisor for mental angish and the such. Boy did she steer me in the wrong direction. She sent me to Kiaser and now I have no individual therapist at all. I can't get one without the medicare and medical I have because it costs to much sliding scale. I have outright had people say 50 dollars is way to low and I will never find a therapist who goes down that low. Well hello, my first therapist saw me for 5 dollars a session. What is wrong with these crazy people that they can't come down to 50 dollars. Maybe if a nice therapist reads this he or she can awnser my questions. I am trying to figure out what to do next. Do I give up Kaiser again which I was finally getting comfortable with, or do I look harder for a sliding scale therapist. What am I made of money? I get less than a thousand a month. I don't want to give up but hell, this doesn't make a bit of sense. As of now I am using my girlfriend as a therapist, which is horrible for our relationship and I can't figure out how to get myself out of this situation. On top of therapy, I want hormones and surguries that cost tons of money that frankly I don't have. Medicare doesn't cover any of this stuff, except maybe the hormones, but that is only if I am off of Kiaser. Well if anyone has any suggestions then please comment.

At a Speech Class

I spent tonight listening to people give speeches on why you should do this or that. Very interesting and a few very moving speeches. I also discovered that a room full of college students can still burst into laughter when they hear the word sex. Gezz like we all don't know what sex is right? It makes me wonder how people will react to my first speech when I am really in that class. It is going to be on me being transsexual. As if I wasn't anxious enough about coming out in front of college students, now sex is taboo. I wanted to tell the teacher I am transsexual tonight but we were in a hurry to get home to honey's migraine medication. I am trying to find something interesting about my being a transsexual to write about everyday but I am finding that very difficult to do. There is not a lack of interesting information about transsexuals but nothing is happening to me right now. I guess I can say I went to a website called Lyon Martin Health Clinic. I found it following a link from a UCSF GLBT help site. They are open everyday and cater to lesbians and transsexuals. I have not decided whether to drop my current medical insurance and find different insurance or continue with my current coverage and find a way to pay out of pocket for the huge expenses I am going to have to deal with getting hormones and paying for therapy. I am going to have to drop my current doctor anyways if I am going to be moving out of this county. Well I guess I will figure this all out as I go. Who knows what will happen.

In the city today

Went to the city today with the honey. Love to visit there and I kind of miss living there actually. Not that the city I live in isn't good, I just miss the big city sometimes. I talked to an old friend and we were actually discussing therapy. I had a therapist who stopped working with me that's a long story I am not going to tell. Anyways I am with Kiaser and I can't get a therapist through my medi-cal or medicare so I need to find a sliding scale therapist who will help me with my issues. (I have tons of issues.) I am not really even that worried about my transsexual therapy. I am more worried about other personal issues. At any rate, everyone wants me to find someone long term, I actually don't know how long term I am going to be here in the area now so I don't know why I am looking for a long term therapist. To be completely honest I was hoping to at least have my top surgery done before I moved at all but I don't think that is going to happen. I think I need at least three years of therapy for that and I have absolutely none under my belt. Anyways, done for today, more tomorrow.

It is Sunday...

A very boring day I am telling you. Nothing happens on Sunday. I don't get the Wall Street Journal, we don't get mail. What am I expected to do with my time? Speaking of those little things, let me tell you a story. I get almost all of my mail as Bob now. I have been getting things from Forbes and country clubs nearby. I feel like everyone thinks that I am rich. I am not rich let me tell you that. The paper subscription was a free gift (well my girlfriend did a s&*#load of surveys to get it). Do you know how expensive it is to get the Wall Street Journal! We don't have money to go get drinks or a paper so I get to be bored. I would just cook all day but you know we would get plump and it would be bad right. So what am I supposed to do all day I ask.

Name Change Forms (oh what fun)

Last night I was watching a new show called Gangland. Okay it may not be new per say, but it is new to me. It got me thinking about my name change. One of the gangatas changed his name to "Almighty Bloody Messiah". That got me to thinking, what the heck is so bad about changing my name to Bob. Who knows maybe I will be able to change my name legally sooner than later. To file for a name and gender change you have to have gone through a full sex change and I am not ready for that. You have to have a few years of therapy under your belt before they let you get a change. You have also needed to live as a man for a few years prior to a sex change (not that I haven't been living as a man). I guess I understand these laws. I hope to get my name done within a few months. I don't know how people will feel about it though. There are a lot of people that know but a lot of people that don't at the same time. The people at the check cashing store for one. I don't know what I would do with out some of the friendships I have. I guess it will be a big adventure for me to go to court for this. The only time I have been to the Alameda court house is for a wedding. I was the maid of honor at my best friends wedding, and yes I was in a suit. I can go to the nearby court house for this and first things first I need to turn in the fee wavier. We will go from there.

Beginnings

I am Bob Williams. I am coming out as a transsexual in a suburb of San Francisco California. I want to teach people about the journey I am taking so they can learn not to be afraid of different people. Everyone is different in there own way and the more we try to be the exact same the worse it is for the world. I am a F2M (Female to male) Bob is not my birth name but it is the name I go by almost everywhere. My doctors call me Bob, my family and my partner and son. Even the people in the class I have been participating in call me Bob. I knew there was something different about me as early as middle school. Of course I ignored it and came out as a lesbian in tenth grade. About three years ago at the age of 26 I came out as Bob and have since become more openly transsexual. I start classes in the fall at the nearby community college and I am going to come out to my classmates. That should be quite an experience. I am signing up for a speech class and I am in a psychology class. I just called the Tom Waddell Clinic in San Francisco to talk about hormone replacement therapy. I am waiting for their phone call. I am so excited about that although my honey wasn't to excited when I said I wanted a beard! Anyways I guess this is enough chatter for now. Thanks for listening.